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Saturday, January 24, 2009

Baylin my dear sweet angel!

As most of you know I gave birth to twin boys Feb 3rd 2003. I had NO CLUE I was having twins. I was large for my weeks but only by a couple Cm, and there weren't' any obvious clues to say there was more then one. Two heartbeats were never detected either. Of course when I look back now I guess there were a few subtle clues here and there but nothing that would really jump out at someone.

When I gave birth Landon came out first, healthy but little. After he came out my belly didn't really go down much and there was still a large lump. It wasn't until this moment when I looked down at my stomach that I knew something wasn't right. Contractions started again and I pushed out Baby #2 Baylin. I remember the sight of looking between my legs and seeing this baby who clearly was no longer alive. I will NEVER get that sight out of my head.

This event traumatized me for a very long time. Took me awhile before I could actually talk about it to anyone without bursting into tears. The VA law says that we had to have an Autopsy done. Part of me didn't want this done, but the other part of me was curious. I was to scared to request the Autopsy report in the beginning... but I knew that someday I would get it. I wanted to wait until I was ready to read what it might say.

A year later my sister gave birth to my Niece Oleyen, she had a birth defect and was missing her diaphragm. She lived 19days and then passed away. In the back of my mind I always thought there was a chance that Baylin had a birth defect that caused his death.

Each year that passed I kept saying I would get the report, but every year that passed I still couldn't get up the nerve to do it. Clearly it meant I wasn't ready to read it and I was comfortable with that. David has always wanted to know but he kept his mouth shut and let me go at my own pace. He knew I would do it when I wanted to.

Feb 3rd 2009 will be Landon and Baylin's 6th birthday. The other day I was thinking yet again about requesting the report. I didn't mention it to David I just wanted to ponder the idea on my own. I went as far as contacting the Richmond Coroners office asking them how to go about doing it. They responded quickly asking for my name and dates. They wrote and told me they were sending my emails to their Tidewater office. They explained to me that I would have to send a written request with my signature. I felt OK about it, I still had time to decide whether I wanted to send the request or not. But at least I knew how!
At that point I finally told David what I had found out and he again said he wanted to read it but he would wait for me.
A day later I got an email from their Tidewater office saying that they received the request (the fwrd emails) and all I had to do was send them my mailing address and they would get it in the mail before 2pm. I was shocked, my heart pounded and I didn't know what to do. It was THAT easy...all I had to do was type my address and it would be on it's way. I had until 2pm to decide....I sucked it up, held my breath and typed and hit send! Of course after I sent it I was freaked out. I knew I would have it within 2 days or so.

Without fail 2 days later...there it was in my mailbox.

I sat around all day waiting for David to get home. Every time I looked at the envelope my heart would skip a beat. I really don't know why it scared me so much but it did.
David got home, we had dinner, got the kids in bed and then sat in our room and finally opened it. David let me read through it first cause he didn't want to read over my shoulder. I could tell he was watching my expressions as I read but he sat there patiently.

In the end what I found out was that there was NOTHING wrong with him. Not sure how to feel about it. 80% of me was relieved that nothing serious was found. But the other part of me was frustrated that there wasn't a reason.
It said that signs pointed to pregnancy induced hypertension, but I didn't have that. I loved reading his details such as "brown hair and brown eyes"....weight and length. Something about seeing this information printed brought some peace to me. When you have a Stillborn you tend to feel that no one cares. Some people feel that if a baby didn't take a breath that they were nothing more then a "fetus". It's so hard because there is no difference between a baby born alive but dies shortly after birth and a baby who is full term but dies before being born. I don't see how people can view them as different. In a way I'm happy he died inside me where he was cozy snuggled up against his brother...protected from the cold world outside and listening to my heartbeat it brings me comfort. In a way I guess he died to save his brother, whatever it was he was not getting enough from the placenta...I'll never know why but I'll have to live with that.

I think reading this report helped me with my grieving. The pain never goes away, but it lessens over time. I'm glad I waited until I was ready! I now have SOME peace of mind knowing that it was not a genetic birth defect that could effect future children...that was my biggest fear. I am now able to go into any future pregnancies with LESS fear then I would have.


Janna said...

Thank you for sharing, Jenna. My heart goes out to you.

Janna said...
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